adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life because of your strong belief that walking requires too much energy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close