Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 15

'Aryan Notions' Opens Sixth Berlin Location

BERLIN–Promising shoppers "a glorious thousand-year reign of quality sewing supplies and accessories at low, low prices," Aryan Notions opened its sixth Berlin location Monday. "From buttons to bows to knitting needles, Aryan Notions is your one-stop source for racially pure sundries," store manager Gunther Von Hoessler said. "Superior white seamstresses and tailors from all over Europe can't stop raving about our pure Nordic yarn and rick-rack. Krups is working non-stop to supply us with mighty cast-steel bobbins and thimbles." His voice quavering with excitement, Von Hoessler boasted of cleansing the globe of inferior notions retailers and standing astride a conquered industry ruled by Aryan Notions. "God himself has anointed our chain of sewing supplies for magnificent triumph," he said.

Poll: 80 Percent Of Americans In Favor Of Storming Castle, Destroying Inhuman Monster

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday, four in five Americans favor assembling a torch-wielding mob to storm the gloomy castle on the outskirts of town and destroy the hideous evil creature dwelling within. The poll also found that 92 percent of Americans believe science has created an unholy menace, and that the foul, Hell-spawned monstrosity should be driven back to the fiery depths from which it came. Of the 20 percent of Americans not in favor of destroying the wretched beast, 7 percent said they "strongly agree" with the statement, "Who are we to arbitrarily take life from a creature into which man himself breathed life? Build for him a bride and let them live in peace, far from the prying eyes of foolish mortals." Eight percent had no opinion.

Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as 10 high-speed auto chases, either comical or dramatic in nature, come roaring past my corner, sending my cardboard-box-mounted pyramid of oranges flying in all directions," Rostand, who estimates he has had to rebuild his fruit stand 50 times, told members of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Monday. "If these chases are not curtailed, I will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy and take up work as a sheet-glass courier."

Hero Publicist Honored

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For "heroism in publicizing beyond all hope," Hollywood publicist Derek DeBoer was honored Monday for his work promoting the not-at-all-anticipated Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy Be My Baby, starring Steve Guttenberg and Whoopi Goldberg. "For courage and fortitude in generating buzz where there is no hope of buzz, hype where there is no hope of hype, we recognize the heroic deeds of Derek DeBoer," said Trent Davidoff, president of the American Association Of Publicists. "Mr. DeBoer, your brave efforts helped saved the jobs of countless Buena Vista execs who green-lighted this God awful project, and for this they are eternally grateful."

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

Not So Beloved

Massively hyped and critically acclaimed by Oprah Winfrey's Beloved is nevertheless bombing at the box office. Why?

Glorious Heyday Of Youth Spent In Parking Lot

AMARILLO, TX–Celebrating the bountiful gift of youth and the endless promise it holds, local 16-year-olds Stephanie Reardon, Doug Shiner and Toby Rizzo spent Friday evening in the parking lot of the Howell Avenue Grab 'N' Go convenience store. "Got any more Kools?" said Reardon, living every moment of her salad days to the fullest. Savoring the sweetness of his vitality like a ripe, juicy pear, Shiner leaned against the store's ice machine and said, "Check out that van over there."
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Personal Finance

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life because of your strong belief that walking requires too much energy.
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