Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life because of your strong belief that walking requires too much energy.
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