Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life because of your strong belief that walking requires too much energy.