Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.
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