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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.

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