Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

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Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.