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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.

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