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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.
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