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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.

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