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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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