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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.

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