Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.