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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.

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