adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of November 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close