Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 42

Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled.

Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb

Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Teen Newsweek, a fledgling Newsweek spin-off aimed at younger readers, North Korea is the bomb. "An in-depth investigation of Pyongyang's shopping and recreational options has provided incontrovertible evidence that North Korea is, like, totally the bomb, from its delicious food to its way-inexpensive electronics," Teen Newsweek reported. It remains unknown how the nation came to possess bomb-being technology.

Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About

DEERFIELD, IL—Upper-middle-class homemaker Irene Risser expressed fear Monday that there exists a gourmet coffee superior to the brands she currently buys. "I have Kona Coffee's peaberry flavor, which is really terrific, and I also like to buy Sumatran Rainforest," Risser said. "But I still worry that somewhere out there, someone has better, more expensive coffee than I do." Risser then went on the Internet to search for $25-a-pound breakfast blends.

Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop

Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a rapidly lowering profile, the National Name Drop Index announced the removal of actor Christian Slater from the list of celebrity names to casually reference Tuesday. "Taking into account his lack of major roles since 1998's Very Bad Things and the flaccid box office of last year's Windtalkers, we have no choice but to classify Slater's name as undroppable until further notice," NNDI director Don Hall said. "Until Slater gains at least a supporting role in a hit feature or a lead role in a TV series, he is relegated to Dean Cain Memorial Limbo."

History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries

NEW YORK—The History Channel confessed Monday that it used Nazi footage to fatten its coffers. "The time has come to bring our network's shameful legacy to light," History Channel president Warren Brabender said. "Over the past 10 years, more than $300 million in ad revenue has been generated through the airing of Nazi documentaries." The channel will likely be required to pay reparations to Americans who viewed the atrocities.

Republicans Take The Senate

In last Tuesday's midterm elections, Republicans retook the U.S. Senate, giving them control of both houses of Congress. What do you think?

Winona Ryder's Probation

Last week, Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting $5,500 worth of merchandise from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. What are the terms of her probation?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.
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