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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.

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