Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.