Aries | March 21 to April 19
The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION