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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.

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