adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close