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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.

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