Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.