Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.
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