Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 41

Steve Vai Impresses The Hell Out Of Neighborhood Kids

GLENDALE, CA— Rock guitarist Steve Vai wowed a group of neighborhood children with his spectacular guitar pyrotechnics Monday. "His behind-the-head guitar solo was so wicked," said Jimmy Hetzel, 11, one of six children blown away by Vai's fretboard wizardry. "He also did this thing where he held the guitar between his legs and played it with a bow." The impromptu performance is believed to be the most impressive display of its kind since September 2000, when Joe Satriani "showed off a few licks" at a Southfield, MI, bar mitzvah.

Plan To Make Snacks Last Through Opening Credits Fails

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN— Despite his best intentions, moviegoer Brad Schuyler failed to make his snack supply last beyond the opening credits of Monsters, Inc. Monday. "The Harry Potter trailer came on, and I guess I just got excited," said Schuyler, 26, who took his last bite as the words "Written By Dan Gerson" appeared on the screen. "Maybe I should have bought more than a box of Sno-Caps and a 32-ounce Coke, but the stuff costs so much." Next time he sees a film, Schuyler said he will not start eating until the studio logo appears.

Argument About Capital Of Australia Occurs 10 Feet From Encyclopedia

ORD, NE— Brothers Jeff and Adam Clink spent 20 minutes fiercely debating the capital of Australia while standing 10 feet from the family's World Book encyclopedia Monday. "You're high," Jeff, 18, told Adam. "It's Sydney." Adam, who said he is "99.99 percent sure" that Melbourne is the capital, conceded that one city might be the capital of the Australian continent and the other the capital of the nation.

Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out

AUBURN, ME— Overweight and balding Ira Groff, 37, is unsure how to get the word out about his 11-inch penis. "In theory, I could fumble around in my wallet for something and then—whoops!—an extra-large condom falls out," the acne-scarred Groff said Monday. "But that would come off as staged." Groff has also pondered wearing tighter pants, leaving penile-reduction-surgery brochures around his workspace, or sporting a button that reads, "Ask Me About My Huge Cock."

I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

Last week, President Bush disclosed that Osama bin Laden has been trying to acquire nuclear weapons. What do you think of the possibility?

The Post-Office Crunch

Reeling from a post-Sept 11. drop in mail volume, the U.S Postal Service faces a $3 billion deficit. What is the USPS doing to imporove its bottom line?
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.
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