Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.


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