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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of November 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate, as tactfully as possible, that you may not have much of a future as a lyric poet.

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