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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax, one more little deviled egg won't hurt. You already weigh 435 pounds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Come on, those first six seals were fun to open! Why not go for the seventh?

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