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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax, one more little deviled egg won't hurt. You already weigh 435 pounds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Come on, those first six seals were fun to open! Why not go for the seventh?

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