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Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax, one more little deviled egg won't hurt. You already weigh 435 pounds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Come on, those first six seals were fun to open! Why not go for the seventh?

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