Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax, one more little deviled egg won't hurt. You already weigh 435 pounds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Come on, those first six seals were fun to open! Why not go for the seventh?