Horoscope for the week of November 17, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 42

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass a "very special" constitutional amendment dealing with the touchy issue of alcoholism. The amendment—inspired by the true story of a promising young hockey player whose dreams of a pro career died when his weekend partying spun out of control—will show the shattering effect alcohol has on drinkers and their loved ones, and will end with a toll-free number where victims can get help. "We're used to having a lot of fun with our amendments," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL). "But once in a while, an issue touches us so deeply, we decide to draft an amendment with a message." If passed, the amendment will be available on video in time for the holiday season.

Neglect Of Wife, Children Results In Promotion

NEWARK, NJ—Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of accounting Monday. "Well done, Walt," Prudential CEO Art Ryan said. "For six years, while other employees were busy getting out of work early to see their kids' soccer games and spending Saturdays with their wives, you were tirelessly dedicating yourself to this company. And for that, you will be handsomely rewarded." As part of his new job, Arness will spend 25 weeks a year on the road, supervising accounting operations in Prudential offices across the U.S.

King Ralph Fails To Become Hip Retro Reference

NEW YORK—According to trendwatchers and pop-culture analysts, the 1991 John Goodman comedy King Ralph has failed to emerge as a humorous retro reference. "Despite the lameness and strong kitsch potential of this film, King Ralph is not being sarcastically referenced by wisecracking 18- to 29-year-olds," said Zeitgeist magazine editor Adam D'Amico. "No one is saying things like, 'That guy who owns Sony must be richer than King Ralph,' or, 'Did you hear about Zach's new job? He totally got himself King Ralphed."

Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) declined to answer reporters' questions Monday after a congressional aide discovered him naked and dangling from a ceiling-mounted leather restraining harness in a D.C.-area bondage-fetish dungeon. "Sen. Hatch didn't show up for work, so I went looking for him at an address I saw written down on a scrap of paper on his desk," Hatch aide Alex Gordon said. "Through a massive oak door, I could hear a desperate voice pleading for a 'Mistress Domina' to come back and release him. When I opened the door, I saw the senator, looking exhausted and wearing only a dog collar and nipple clamps." Hatch was brought to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he was treated for dehydration and third-degree wax burns to his scrotal sac.

Child Unimpressed With Aurora Borealis After Whole Day Of Tekken 3

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—A wide-eyed gaze of childlike wonderment over the incomprehensible majesty of creation was not elicited Monday, when 7-year-old Kenny Meier, son of local high-school science teacher Stan Meier, was unmoved by the Aurora Borealis after spending an estimated 12 hours playing Tekken 3.

Banning ATM Fees

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several banks in the cities blocked non-customers from using their cash machines. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of November 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo

    Leo

    They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.
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