Horoscope for the week of November 17, 1999

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Horoscope for the week of November 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.