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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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