Aries | March 21 to April 19
When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassionthose things have never worked on you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION