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Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.

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