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Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.

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