adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close