Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 46

Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On Law & Order

RIO RANCHO, NM—Lionel Carver, who appears in a Pringles commercial currently airing on major networks, was convicted of first-degree murder on NBC's Law & Order, area TV viewer Cami Taylor reported Monday. "When [Carver] was led into the courtroom, I knew I'd seen him before," Taylor said of Carver, who played Hank Greene, a domestic abuser charged with beating his wife to death with a tire iron. "Then it hit me—he's the dad in that ad where the kids keep asking him trivia questions printed on the chips." Taylor said she was happy Carver was convicted, but added that "knowing our TV justice system, he'll probably be back on the streets in a Verizon commercial in a matter of weeks."

Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out

BOUTTE, LA—Former police chief Robert J. Kensworth, whose specter still roams the top floor of the old Third Precinct station, said Monday that he is unable to make a cup of coffee without everyone freaking out. "Can't a man make himself a cup of joe without some cleaning lady screaming her head off or some bandy-kneed recruit falling all over himself?" asked Kensworth, who was knifed to death by a convict in the third-floor hallway six years ago. "So there's a cup and saucer floating in midair... What do they want? I'm supposed to drink out of my hands?" According to Tom Carlton, who has worked at the Third Precinct for 17 years, "old hardnosed Kensworth" loved his coffee.

FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin

ROCKVILLE, MD—The Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it recommends the blue marlin for its combination of flavor, texture, and price. "Have you tried the blue marlin?" FDA commissioner Lester M. Crawford asked, referring to the broiled ocean fish served on a bed of sautéed corn, tomato, and lima beans. "It's absolutely delicious. Really, you must try it, along with a glass of Chardonnay or a light beer." The FDA said the crab cakes are excellent, as well.

Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week

MISSOULA, MT—For the seventh week in a row, Bill Trusky cheated his son Shane out of the boy's $3 allowance, the 8-year-old's father said Monday. "Sorry, Shane, I said it was double or nothing if you could sneeze with your eyes open," Trusky said. "But I'll tell you what: If you can mow the lawn—front and back—in 20 minutes, I'll pay you triple." Household sources report that Shane might have completed the task had Trusky not hurled a croquet ball in the mower's path 10 feet before his son finished.

Actual Governing To Resume

WASHINGTON, DC—Following 16 months of non-stop campaigning, members of the executive and legislative branches of the U.S. government returned to the task of governing the country Monday. "The electioneering is over, so it's time to get back to work," said U.S. Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO), who won a third term Nov. 2, beating Democrat Nancy Farmer. "I got the time, so I may as well use it writing and enacting some laws, I guess." Bond said he hopes to get a lot accomplished before summer, when he'll need to begin campaigning again.

Back In The Driver's Seat

Hola, amigos. Who's your daddy? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been no end of troubles in Anchower Town.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Personal Finance

Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.
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