Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 16

Life Much Better Thanks To Recent Elections

WASHINGTON, DC–Life in the U.S. has significantly improved as a result of the Sept. 3 elections, according to a Georgetown University report released Tuesday. "The elections have brought about a great deal of positive change," the report read. "Healthcare is universal, the environment is cleaner and streets are safer. These new politicians are the ones we needed."

15,000 Brown People Dead Somewhere

OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVER–Relief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks from flooding or a hurricane or something like that. "Never have our people endured such a terrible catastrophe," said this one dark-skinned guy who lost his entire family in the disaster of some sort. "Our God has forsaken us." The affected nation may possibly be the same one where about 90,000 brown people died two or three years ago in that one earthquake.

Blotting Of Ken Olin From Human Memory Delayed Several Years

LOS ANGELES–The complete erasure of actor Ken Olin from human memory has been forestalled at least a year due to his role on CBS's L.A. Doctors, it was reported Tuesday. Olin, who, prior to L.A. Doctors, had not appeared in anything notable since 1991's cancellation of thirtysomething, was reportedly less than 50 days from disappearing from the world's collective consciousness when he landed a role on the medical drama.

NYC Conservationists Decry Destruction Of Rat Habitats

NEW YORK–Calling recent urban renewal efforts "a grave threat to the city's fragile rat population," a group of New York City conservationists called for an end to the destruction of rat habitats Monday. "The redevelopment of run-down, abandoned buildings in Times Square drove more than 240,000 rats from their natural habitats in 1997," Rat Foundation director Mary Brinn said. In an effort to save the species, the Rat Foundation is demanding that eight city sewer lines be set aside as federally protected rat preserves.

Child Baffled By Stationary, Non-Violent Images

NEWTON, MA–Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a 1947 Life magazine photo of a woman tending to a rose garden, left Linnell in a state of panic and disorientation. "Jamie was turning the picture in all directions, desperately shaking it in an attempt to make it move," the boy's mother, Rita Linnell, told reporters. "He was frightened and trembling, and he kept asking me, 'Mommy, why isn't this exploding?' Then he collapsed to the floor." Linnell regained consciousness after receiving emergency doses of Tekken 3.

End Of The Gingrich Era

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House. What do you think about the end of the Gingrich Era on Capitol Hill?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Energy

Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be faced with many important decisions this week. Before making any of them, ask yourself: "Is this the kind of thinking that got me thrown in solitary?"
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A misinterpretation of the message printed on your sweatshirt will result in your becoming the property of the Hooters Athletic Department.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your pathetic superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportional strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You’ll come close to true happiness this week when you figure out a way to hitch yourself to a snack-laden mini-trailer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Spirit magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. The stars ask that you not take this as an excuse to go around acting like some spaced-out New Age freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ll soon be in a situation in which you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For the record, the people at Sagittarius want you to know that Jesus would try to take as many guards with him as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Next Wednesday at noon, the world will ring with the glorious sound of all the Capricorns in America shattering their pelvises at once.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will discontinue your insurance coverage when they refuse to give you something called "Double Goddamnety."
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