Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

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Recent News

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be faced with many important decisions this week. Before making any of them, ask yourself: "Is this the kind of thinking that got me thrown in solitary?"
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A misinterpretation of the message printed on your sweatshirt will result in your becoming the property of the Hooters Athletic Department.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathetic superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportional strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll come close to true happiness this week when you figure out a way to hitch yourself to a snack-laden mini-trailer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spirit magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. The stars ask that you not take this as an excuse to go around acting like some spaced-out New Age freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll soon be in a situation in which you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For the record, the people at Sagittarius want you to know that Jesus would try to take as many guards with him as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Wednesday at noon, the world will ring with the glorious sound of all the Capricorns in America shattering their pelvises at once.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will discontinue your insurance coverage when they refuse to give you something called "Double Goddamnety."