Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be faced with many important decisions this week. Before making any of them, ask yourself: "Is this the kind of thinking that got me thrown in solitary?"
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A misinterpretation of the message printed on your sweatshirt will result in your becoming the property of the Hooters Athletic Department.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathetic superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportional strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll come close to true happiness this week when you figure out a way to hitch yourself to a snack-laden mini-trailer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spirit magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. The stars ask that you not take this as an excuse to go around acting like some spaced-out New Age freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll soon be in a situation in which you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For the record, the people at Sagittarius want you to know that Jesus would try to take as many guards with him as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Wednesday at noon, the world will ring with the glorious sound of all the Capricorns in America shattering their pelvises at once.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will discontinue your insurance coverage when they refuse to give you something called "Double Goddamnety."


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