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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the perfect beast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be faced with many important decisions this week. Before making any of them, ask yourself: "Is this the kind of thinking that got me thrown in solitary?"
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A misinterpretation of the message printed on your sweatshirt will result in your becoming the property of the Hooters Athletic Department.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathetic superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportional strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll come close to true happiness this week when you figure out a way to hitch yourself to a snack-laden mini-trailer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spirit magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. The stars ask that you not take this as an excuse to go around acting like some spaced-out New Age freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll soon be in a situation in which you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" For the record, the people at Sagittarius want you to know that Jesus would try to take as many guards with him as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next Wednesday at noon, the world will ring with the glorious sound of all the Capricorns in America shattering their pelvises at once.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will discontinue your insurance coverage when they refuse to give you something called "Double Goddamnety."

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