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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.

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