Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.


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