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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.

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