Aries | March 21 to April 19
Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.
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