Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close