Aries | March 21 to April 19
Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.
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