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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.
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