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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.
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