Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.