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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.

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