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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.
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