Aries | March 21 to April 19
You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION