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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.

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