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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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