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Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.

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