Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.
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