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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.

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