Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.


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