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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.

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