Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 43

Spy World-Famous

MONTE CARLO—Despite having a job that demands total anonymity, Colin Richards, Great Britain's number-one field operative, has somehow built a reputation as a playboy and bon vivant of world renown. "All I can say is, he must be really incredible at sneaking into places, considering everyone knows what he looks like," Monte Carlo casino owner Nigel St. Clary said. "Can you imagine how great a spy he'd be if he were unknown?"

Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Relationship

BOSTON—Eight-month-old Courtney Brindle is trying her best to save her parents' crumbling marriage, the infant reported Monday. "I put in a good hour today grabbing Daddy's finger, which I think made him feel closer to me and, by extension, to Mommy," Brindle said. "But my real dilemma is, is it better to provide lots of cute moments to fill the house with a feeling of warmth and love, or should I suffer constant health problems to unite them in fear? I can't do both."

Teacher Bitches About Paycheck To Sixth-Grade Class

BOZEMAN, MT—Lakecrest Elementary School teacher Dana Frankel bitched to her sixth-graders about her "crap salary" shortly after receiving a paycheck Monday. "How am I supposed to pay for anything on this kind of income?" asked Frankel midway through a math lesson. "And now the brake pads on my Nissan need replacing. Gee, guess I'll just have to hope for the best next time I hit a red light." Frankel then got the disrupted lesson back on track by using her dwindling 401K plan as an example of negative numbers.

Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Monday's episode of the popular Christian-affairs program The 700 Club featured a surprise walk-on by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. "Pat, I can't stay long, but I just wanted to swing by and say hello to you and the whole 700 Club gang," Christ told Robertson. "I love the show—it's just terrific in My sight. And, hey, how about this audience?" The 130 Christ fans in attendance then gave enthusiastic applause unto Him.

The Bin Laden Audiotape

Last week, al-Jazeera aired an audiotape purportedly of Osama bin Laden praising the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think about the possibility that bin Laden is alive?

Rehab Clinics Are So Much Cooler In Europe

I'm always hearing people go on and on about how American rehab clinics are the best in the world. You gotta be kidding me! Sure, the U.S. has a few decent clinics, but after being in and out of rehab for three years on the other side of the pond, I think I'm qualified to say that rehab clinics are way cooler in Europe.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.
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