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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to take yourself too seriously this week. God knows nobody else does.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: "Look before you leap" doesn't apply to situations like yours, in which the goal is dramatic suicide.

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