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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to take yourself too seriously this week. God knows nobody else does.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: "Look before you leap" doesn't apply to situations like yours, in which the goal is dramatic suicide.

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