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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to take yourself too seriously this week. God knows nobody else does.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: "Look before you leap" doesn't apply to situations like yours, in which the goal is dramatic suicide.

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