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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the Robin Williams film Jumanji.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't afford to turn your back on that collapsing romance or office building.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Please stop telling that tasteless joke about Linda McCartney. It wasn't funny the first time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to take yourself too seriously this week. God knows nobody else does.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will become a national celebrity this week when the government decides that you are the common enemy against whom the American people will unite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will go through some tough times later this week. What they're not telling you, however, is just how tough, which is the really good part.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week sees the exciting return of Andrew, which is pretty darn exciting if you know him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius may be the archer, but if it could be any car, it'd be a Corvette.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You know that wonderful, loving person who has been waiting so long to be let into your heart? Well, that sap isn't about to go away any time soon.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hold out for what you want this week, but be reasonable: If you get most of what you asked for, let the kids and the old folks go free.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: "Look before you leap" doesn't apply to situations like yours, in which the goal is dramatic suicide.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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