Aries | March 21 to April 19
Although nothing exciting usually happens to you, the law of averages will catch up this week and everything exciting will happen to you all at once.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
What was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever will be salvaged when you barely make it past Thanksgiving.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An old man will finally teach you how to read letters and numbers. Since he meant no harm, you should probably stop the other villagers from burning him.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
If you think that nothing you do matters anymore, it would behoove you to consider your use of the word "anymore."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll achieve notoriety at the patent office after you discover a way to turn food into a nitrate-rich material useful in the fertilization of crops.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've read everything you can on the subject, but it still seems to you that some stuff about religion just doesn't add up.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll finally get the public humiliation you deserve for using yellow food coloring instead of eggs in the batter at your British-style chip shop.
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