Horoscope for the week of November 24, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 47

FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off

ROCKVILLE, MD—Commissioner Lester M. Crawford of the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that the FDA has cleared all 314 drugs pending approval—from Avoxildon to Zofax KB—and plans to take the remainder of the year off. "Hmm, 'Monozyklin... a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor... may cause irregular heart murmur'... That sounds reasonable," Crawford said, reading the drugs' intended uses from a checklist. "I'm sure Merck wouldn't have bothered making this if it didn't actually work. Approved!" Crawford said he'll use the rest of November to research his month-long Christmas travel plans.

Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies

LISBON—Rick Steves, host of the PBS series Rick Steves' Europe, was robbed by gypsies while wandering the labyrinthine streets of the Alfama Monday. "These quaint but rickety sailors' quarters no longer house salty men of the sea, but they do play host to a colorful array of vagabonds," Steves said, clapping along to a band of dancing Roma children while his watch was being stolen from his backpack by their mother. "Peak time for seeing these lively characters is before sunset, as darkness attracts a less savory element to the area." Bonus footage of Steves getting mugged by a street punk in Berlin will be available on the Season 3 DVD anthology.

7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face

QUINTER, KS—Sophia Reed, 7, dominated Monday's Family Game Night, thanks in part to her inscrutable Uno face, family members reported. "She'd just sit as quiet as a church mouse, then hit me with a 'draw four wild card,'" said Leo Reed, Sophia's grandfather and Uno opponent. "Didn't matter whether I played blue, red, yellow, or green, that girl would not so much as twitch an eye after calling 'Uno'—until she laid down that last card. Then she giggled like crazy, the little monkey." Family members said Reed is also renowned for her super-steady Hungry Hungry Hippos trigger finger.

Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers

AUSTIN, TX—Maurice Juarez has held up an evening performance of Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise for three hours, hoping to get more late-arriving patrons, the owner and manager of the Austin ArtSpace theater reported. "People who enjoy alternative theater are all about opening their minds, so they don't pay attention to restrictive things like curtain times," said Juarez, who is also the play's author, director, producer, and choreographer. "I put up 200 flyers, so I fully expect this show to sell out." As of press time, 14 of the theater's 22 seats remained empty.

Cabinet Shake-Up

Many members of Bush's cabinet recently resigned, with more expected to follow. Who's in, who's out, and why?

The Kmart-Sears Merger

Last week, Kmart bought Sears in a surprise $11 billion deal, creating the nation's third-largest retailer. What do you think?

Local Newswoman's Hairstyle Reported On By Co-Anchor

BALTIMORE—WMAR's TV2 News At 6 anchor Kent Niering reported on co-anchor Connie Everhart's recently altered hairstyle Monday night. "Well, it looks like Connie has a new 'do!" Niering said of Everhart's formerly shoulder-length hair, which she'd cut into a bob and dyed red over the weekend. "I think I speak for everyone here at WMAR when I say it looks fabulous!" Everhart smiled and thanked Niering for the compliment before throwing to a consumer-advocacy piece.

White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel

WASHINGTON, DC—Cousin Wattle, the official National Thanksgiving Turkey who was to have been pardoned by President Bush in an annual White House ceremony that dates back to the Truman administration, is currently being held without formal charges or access to legal counsel, White House press secretary Scott McClellan confirmed Tuesday.
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Horoscope for the week of November 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Although nothing exciting usually happens to you, the law of averages will catch up this week and everything exciting will happen to you all at once.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    What was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever will be salvaged when you barely make it past Thanksgiving.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    An old man will finally teach you how to read letters and numbers. Since he meant no harm, you should probably stop the other villagers from burning him.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If you think that nothing you do matters anymore, it would behoove you to consider your use of the word "anymore."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll achieve notoriety at the patent office after you discover a way to turn food into a nitrate-rich material useful in the fertilization of crops.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've read everything you can on the subject, but it still seems to you that some stuff about religion just doesn't add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll finally get the public humiliation you deserve for using yellow food coloring instead of eggs in the batter at your British-style chip shop.
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