Horoscope for the week of November 24, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Sleep

Horoscope for the week of November 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although nothing exciting usually happens to you, the law of averages will catch up this week and everything exciting will happen to you all at once.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    What was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever will be salvaged when you barely make it past Thanksgiving.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An old man will finally teach you how to read letters and numbers. Since he meant no harm, you should probably stop the other villagers from burning him.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you think that nothing you do matters anymore, it would behoove you to consider your use of the word "anymore."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll achieve notoriety at the patent office after you discover a way to turn food into a nitrate-rich material useful in the fertilization of crops.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've read everything you can on the subject, but it still seems to you that some stuff about religion just doesn't add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll finally get the public humiliation you deserve for using yellow food coloring instead of eggs in the batter at your British-style chip shop.
Next Story