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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.

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