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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.

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