Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.
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