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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.

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