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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.

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