Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.


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