Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 43

New Harry Potter Film Turns Children On To Magic Of Not Reading

LOS ANGELES—Around the world, children are being turned on to the magic of not reading by the blockbuster film Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone. "My daughter Julia never liked to sit passively and stare at a screen, but this new movie has really locked the power of her imagination," said Hannah Foss, 38, of Dayton, OH. "She can't put her books away fast enough." "Movies are great," said Tarzana, CA, 10-year-old Emily Hart. "You can see exactly what the characters look like without having to guess."

Security Guard Can't Afford To Relax For So Much As Six Hours

LAKELAND, FL—Mel King, the night security guard at 2300 Office Park Drive, can't afford to let his guard down for even six hours, the 47-year-old said Tuesday. "In a job like this, you have to be on full alert every once in a great while," King said. "Lose your focus for three or four hundred minutes, and the place could be robbed blind." King said he makes sure never to drift from his post more than twice per shift or stray from his ritual 3 a.m. viewing of back-to-back episodes of Riptide.

Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

AUSTIN, TX—After breaking up with girlfriend Karen Guglia last week, cocaine addict Rob Everson, 26, announced that he is looking for a more enabling girlfriend. "I need a woman who'll give me my freedom and let me be me," Everson said Monday. "I don't need somebody who's going to be on my case all the time, telling me I need to clean myself up or I'm gonna die. When you love someone, you encourage them to pursue their interests."

Mad Lib Filled With Swears

PORTLAND, ME—The popular party amusement Mad Libs was misused for profane purposes Monday, when Peter Leff, a Portland-area 12-year-old, filled the blank spaces on a "Space Adventure Mad Lib" entirely with swear words. "Prepare to shit the enemy," Leff had Space Commander Mr. Garrick say. "Set all pussys on fart and brace for blowjobs."

Headphones-Wearing Pedestrian Loudly Proclaims Iron Man Status

MINNEAPOLIS—Local resident James Gaines loudly proclaimed his Iron Man status Monday while walking down Hennepin Avenue wearing a Sony Discman. "I am Iron Man," Gaines announced in a deep, foreboding voice before launching into his dark, personal tale of madness and revenge. Gaines has previously declared himself "hot for teacher," "a teenage lobotomy," and "a street-walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm."

Reality TV On The Decline

After nearly two years of ratings success, reality TV programs are losing out to traditional sitcoms and dramas. Why?

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

The Red Cross and other aid groups are under fire for giving only a portion of the billions that have poured in since Sept. 11 to the attacks' victims. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More