Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.