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Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.

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