adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close