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Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.

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