Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 43

Arsenio Hall Writers Still Keeping In Touch

LOS ANGELES– According to former Arsenio Hall Show head writer Garry Schenk, the writing staff of the 1989-94 late-night talk show still keeps in touch. "Yeah, I still see Tony [Andruss] every now and then," Schenk said Monday. "And I just ran into Ed [Canzona] a few days ago. He's over at Kilborn now and also does some freelance monologue stuff for Politically Incorrect. And Fred [Moffatt] e-mailed me maybe a month ago. He's working for some radio syndicate that does song parodies and other bits for morning-DJ shows." Added Schenk: "Man, I can't believe it's been six years."

Death Results In Great Deal Of Paperwork

FLAGSTAFF, AZ– The death of 88-year-old Bea Wexler resulted in a mountain of funeral, burial, and estate-settlement paperwork Monday. "Why now? We just finished the paperwork on our new mortgage," sobbed Peggy Addison, Wexler's daughter. "Why in Arizona, where the probate process can take months?" Addison's husband Bryan hugged her before bearing down on the preliminary death-certificate forms.

Food Critic's Wife Makes The Best Lasagna She Possibly Can

CHARLOTTE, NC– Fran Greaves, wife of Charlotte Observer restaurant critic Paul Greaves, said Monday that she tries to make the best lasagna she possibly can. "I made this gourmet lasagna completely by the book," Greaves said. "I bought fresh ingredients from the farmer's market, I made the pasta from scratch with semolina flour. But I just can't shake the feeling that it still won't be good enough for Paul." Greaves' husband has previously been disappointed in his wife's chicken marsala, veal schnitzel, and lemon chiffon cake.

Hollywood Diet Secrets Fall Into Non-Celebrity Hands

HOLLYWOOD– In a major Hollywood security leak, an Encino, CA, company has made "Weight-Loss Secrets Of The Stars" available to the non-famous. Direct Sales International made the offer through ads last week in The National Enquirer and Weekly World News. "Learn how the rich and famous take unwanted pounds off FAST–and KEEP them off!" the ad read. "I am horrified by the implications of this," Julia Roberts said. "The institution of celebrityhood could crumble, with our thigh-trimming and belly-banishing secrets now public. The global balance of beauty has tipped forever. God help us all."

Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here

CEDAR FALLS, IA– Despite repeated pre-election threats of expatriation, area resident Ron Glick remains a U.S. citizen, acquaintances of the 43-year-old reported Monday. "For weeks leading up to the election, Ron kept saying, 'I swear, if that clown wins, I am moving to Canada,'" coworker Paula Vogel said. "Well, he's been at work every day since, so unless he's commuting from Winnipeg, he's still here." Glick has threatened to renounce his citizenship every four years since 1980, when Reagan's victory was supposed to have precipitated his emigration to Spain.

Abolish The Electoral College?

In light of the havoc it has wreaked this presidential election, many Americans are calling for an end to the electoral college. What do you think?

It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff

You know that old Christmas carol that goes, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat"? Well, might I suggest a slight lyric change to "please put a penny in Jean Teasdale's hat"? And, instead of "a penny," make it "$2,756.29"? Because that's how much my Visa bill is right now, and I'm afraid that Christmas at the Teasdales is not going to be too merry this year if I don't find a way to pay this thing off pronto!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.
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