adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close