Aries | March 21 to April 19
Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION