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Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.

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