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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.

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