Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

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PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.


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