Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.
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