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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of November 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.

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