Horoscope for the week of November 3, 2004

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will weep over your plight this week, which will offer little comfort, as their tears are made of excruciatingly hot stellar plasma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you notice your fate is a little off this week, it's because Sagittarius is covering Taurus' shifts through the weekend while he visits his cousin. Hope that's cool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The same old solution to life's problems isn't working for you anymore. Try soaking the stuff in embalming fluid and letting it dry before you smoke it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you criticize those around you, try walking a mile in their shoes. Or any shoes, for that matter, you filthy hillbilly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be secure in the knowledge that we're all part of a plan, but be thankful that you're ignorant of its cruel, bloody particulars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not very good at applying Newton's Laws to your daily life, which is why you threw a 16-pound shot-put straight up in the air a moment ago.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The old saw "There's snow on the roof, but there's a fire in the furnace" will suit you well this week, when you're transformed into a cabin in the Laramie range.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll miraculously survive a plummet from the top of a major skyscraper, leaving you with the unpleasant job of climbing up all those stairs again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The population crisis, with its attendant housing and food shortages, will offer you an increased probability of finally getting a roommate who isn't a big old fatty.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The only significant enemy of the race of man is man. That said, it wouldn't hurt to avoid packs of jackals for the next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The tiny storm clouds that hovered over you all last week will be replaced by a tiny, brightly shining sun, which will instantly incinerate your head.