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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Horoscope for the week of November 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will weep over your plight this week, which will offer little comfort, as their tears are made of excruciatingly hot stellar plasma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you notice your fate is a little off this week, it's because Sagittarius is covering Taurus' shifts through the weekend while he visits his cousin. Hope that's cool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The same old solution to life's problems isn't working for you anymore. Try soaking the stuff in embalming fluid and letting it dry before you smoke it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Before you criticize those around you, try walking a mile in their shoes. Or any shoes, for that matter, you filthy hillbilly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be secure in the knowledge that we're all part of a plan, but be thankful that you're ignorant of its cruel, bloody particulars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not very good at applying Newton's Laws to your daily life, which is why you threw a 16-pound shot-put straight up in the air a moment ago.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The old saw "There's snow on the roof, but there's a fire in the furnace" will suit you well this week, when you're transformed into a cabin in the Laramie range.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll miraculously survive a plummet from the top of a major skyscraper, leaving you with the unpleasant job of climbing up all those stairs again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The population crisis, with its attendant housing and food shortages, will offer you an increased probability of finally getting a roommate who isn't a big old fatty.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The only significant enemy of the race of man is man. That said, it wouldn't hurt to avoid packs of jackals for the next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The tiny storm clouds that hovered over you all last week will be replaced by a tiny, brightly shining sun, which will instantly incinerate your head.

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