Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!
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