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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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