Aries | March 21 to April 19
After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!
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