adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close