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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!

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