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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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