Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.