Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

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Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.