Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.
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