Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.