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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.

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