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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.

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