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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.
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