Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.