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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.

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