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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.

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