Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.


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