Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Healthy Eating

Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.
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