Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 41

Week One Panic - Ep. 3

After a tough week one loss, Brad desperately tries to trade his entire team away. Larry Fitzgerald gives Alfred Morris some sage advice.

Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner

MCMINNVILLE, OR—Bryce Tornquist and Stephanie Herrick, whose three-year relationship ended in August, are remaining close friends until one of them finds a new sex partner. "We still have a lot in common, and it's really nice to have someone around who knows you so well," the 26-year-old Tornquist said Tuesday. "So, until one of us is having sex with somebody else, it really works out for both of us." Tornquist added that he really, really hopes to be the one to find a new sex partner first.

Tract Writer Cites God, Jack Chick As Influences

STILLWATER, OK—Robert Welton, founder and sole employee of Inspired Word Christian Tracts, cites God and Jack Chick as the two biggest influences on his work. "God is the one I owe the most to. Everything I write draws on something of His," Welton, 44, told reporters Tuesday. "But Jack Chick, he showed the tract-writing world how to do it. Everything from This Was Your Life to Sin Busters to the ongoing Bible Tract series are pretty much the gold standard." Welton added that Mohammed and Buddha are in their graves, but Christ's grave is empty.

Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix."

Director's Commentary For One Night At McCool's Trails Off After 20 Minutes

LOS ANGELES—Director Harald Zwart's commentary track on the recently released One Night At McCool's DVD trails off after 20 minutes, sources reported Tuesday. "This scene, I remember... we set things up to... look right and all, but I, well... you know..." Zwart said some 18 minutes into the track. "This, uh..." The remainder of the commentary features long stretches of silence occasionally broken by coughing or throat-clearing.

I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority

I'm a pretty sophisticated, well-educated person. I went to Wesleyan, where I got my B.A. in comparative literature. I listen to This American Life on NPR. I've traveled abroad fairly extensively and even spent a year living in London. Given all this, you'd think I might be a little staid and stodgy, that I'd shun certain activities because I'm too good for that sort of thing. That is completely untrue. The reality is, I'll try anything with a detached air of superiority.

Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off

Oh, man. You just caught yourself a whole mess of trouble, pal. Believe it. I don't think you realize who you're dealing with here. You might have me in the tank for now, but just wait 'til I get these fucking rubber bands off.

Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade

BERWICK, PA—April Niles, a second-grade teacher at Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, is constantly overhyping the third grade, warning her students that "expectations will be very different next year."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.
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