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Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.

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