Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.