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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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