Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.