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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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