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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.

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