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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.

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