Aries | March 21 to April 19
Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.
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