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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.

More from this section

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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