Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

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Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.