Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 40

Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We have located alcohol," said Mason Reed, 14, upon making the coconut-flavored find. "Repeat: We have alcohol." Following their one-cap-at-a-time consumption of the bottle's contents, Reed and partners Jake Seidel and Jesse Kite took turns insisting that they felt drunk.

Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo

LAWRENCE, KS–Kinko's patron Matt Morrow, 21, saved $9.23 Tuesday when he pulled the old copy-key switcheroo. "After making 200 copies of a flier for my band's upcoming gig, I put back the copy key and took a fresh one. I then used the new key to make 11 decoy copies, which I paid for." Morrow, a self-described "broke-ass bassist," called the five cents Kinko's charges per photocopy "a total rip."

Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here." Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.

Report: TV Teens 15 Times More Likely To Crack Wise Than Real Teens

NEW YORK–According to a report released Tuesday by the Center For Media Studies, TV teens out-wisecrack real-life teens by a 15-to-1 margin. Said researcher Dr. Andrea Brewer: "Our study found that, when told by a parent, 'You know, son, when I was a kid, I didn't have my own TV in my room,' actual teens were far less likely to respond, 'Yeah, that's 'cause they hadn't been invented yet!' than their fictional counterparts." Brewer noted that the handful of real-life teens who make such smart-alecky retorts have a mere 2 percent chance of being met with laughter and applause.

NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can't find someone special. "All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn't waste his time going to bars and parties," the 32-year-old said. "For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description."

The Low Voter Turnout

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think?

A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers are preparing to strike, meaning no movie magic in 2001! At first, I thought this was some kind of sick joke, but apparently it's true. Come on, Tinseltown, surely there must be some way for you to settle your differences without resorting to measures that would devastate the rest of us. I was all set to spend next year at my local dodecaplex, enjoying the big-screen thrills of Josie And The Pussycats, The General's Daughter II, and whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store. Now what will I do?

Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:
End Of Section
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.
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