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Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.

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