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Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.

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