adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close