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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.

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