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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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