Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.