Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION