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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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