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Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.

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