adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close