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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of October 10, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.

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