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Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.

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