Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.
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