Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 36

Area Man's Mother Sizes Up New Girlfriend's Pelvic Span

STILLWATER, OK–During an evening social call Monday, Emily Dahlgren carefully sized up the pelvic span of her son Matt's new girlfriend, evaluating her potential as a vessel for future Dahlgrens. "Kimberly [Hearns] is a lovely girl with a healthy, stocky build and wonderfully sturdy hips," Dahlgren raved after meeting Hearns. "I'll bet she can make some real nice babies." Dahlgren said she also liked the fact that Hearns comes from a good family with no history of heart disease or diabetes.

Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development

LOS ANGELES–Fox vice-president of programming Jonathan Sohn pulled the plug Tuesday on the new sitcom Table For Twelve after rendering the show unwatchable with his persistent meddling during the development phase. "I was really sorry to have to cancel Table–I went to the wall for that show," Sohn said. "I heavily reworked the pilot, de-emphasizing the father's relationship with his sons and adding a talking dog. I hired away two writers from Just Shoot Me, which consistently leads its slot. I even personally came up with the show's catchphrase, 'Well, it ain't no Christmas ham, Pepe!' In the end, though, it wasn't enough, and I had no choice but to shitcan the thing." Sohn said he will now focus his energies on "fine-tuning" King Of The Hill.

Green Party Official Caught Embezzling Campaign Funds For Dime Bag

BURLINGTON, VT–Scandal rocked the Green Party Monday when it was revealed that a high-ranking Nader 2000 official embezzled $10 in campaign funds for a dime bag of marijuana. According to police, prior to a Sept. 29 rally in Burlington, finance director Jim "Patches" Lowell, 49, removed $10 from the Green Party cashbox and redirected the funds toward the purchase of approximately two joints' worth of marijuana from Pete Cudahy, a local hacky-sack vendor and part-time drug dealer. Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader has promised a full internal investigation of the misallocation of funds, saying that he has made it clear to party officials in the past that "the cashbox money is not for weed."

St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead

STERLING CITY, TX–A plastic statue of St. Christopher, the Catholic Church's patron saint of motorists, was found embedded in the forehead of local resident Duane Richardson Monday following a fatal collision with an oncoming van. "Although Mr. Richardson was wearing his seat belt and his airbag deployed properly, the dashboard crumpled in such a fashion that the plastic simulacrum of the third-century martyr was driven into his skull, piercing his brain," Sterling County coroner Leonard Reiver said. Reiver noted that St. Christopher is also the patron saint of sudden death.

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

After refusing to concede defeat in the Sept. 24 election, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down amid mass protests Friday, ceding power to opposition leader Vojislav Kostunica. What do you think of the Yugoslavian uprising?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Small Business

Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.
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