Aries | March 21 to April 19
After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.
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