Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.
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