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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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