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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.

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