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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.

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