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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.

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