Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiac—it'll be no picnic.
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