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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

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Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiac—it'll be no picnic.

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