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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiac—it'll be no picnic.

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