Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiacit'll be no picnic.
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