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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.

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