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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.

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