Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.