Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.