Aries | March 21 to April 19
Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION