adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.

More from this section

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close