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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.

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