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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.

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