Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.