Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

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Vol 32 Issue 11

Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This

NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school headmaster James K. Worthington III demanded to know the meaning of this Monday. “What is the meaning of this?” the red-faced Worthington said upon discovering the stately oak desk in his office covered in toilet paper. “What have you insolent young hooligans done? I demand an explanation and an apology at once!” Following a contrived explanation by the students, Worthington winced skeptically and warned that future acts of mischief would be dealt with severely. Later in the day, Worthington was grievously embarrassed when white paint was splattered all over his dark suit.

CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere

ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make its season premiere Oct. 25 with a special two-minute episode. “We thought we’d open the new season with a bang, and what better way to do it than with a spectacular double-length show?” program producer Anthony Charles said. The episode will reportedly feature a sizzling revelation from actor John Larroquette about a past love, as well as a visit to the set of Paramount Pictures’ Workin’ Overtime, an action/comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jennifer Tilly.

Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”

My Failed Suicide Attempts

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years, my prayers have still not been answered, so every now and again I attempt to bring about my yearned-for demise myself.

My Flabby Tabbies Are So Spoiled!

Late Friday night, I woke up to the sound of a loud crash coming from the kitchen. I sat bolt-upright in bed, and, for a split-second, I thought it was burglars. But then I realized what it was, and I rushed into the kitchen. Sure enough, my porcelain Oriental vase had been knocked off the kitchen table and smashed into pieces on the floor! It didn't take long to follow the trail of flowers and water to find the culprit: my kitty Arthur, who was lapping up the water, as nonchalant as could be!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.
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