Horoscope for the week of October 15, 2003

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will reluctantly reach the conclusion that those snobs at Artforum don't know a goddamn thing about death metal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An elite squad of international assassins will target you, in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Keep in mind that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and then burn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Seeing the look on the cop's face when he found the tiger in your apartment was pretty cool, but it wasn't really worth the horrible lacerations you received.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    George Jones predicted that you will stop loving her today, but he left the exact method for doing so ambiguous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally learn the basics of poetic meter and scansion, but by then, it'll be too late for them to do you any good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.