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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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