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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.

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