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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.

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