Aries | March 21 to April 19
Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.
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