Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

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Recent News

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.