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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sign from the heavens will guide your every waking moment for the foreseeable future. It will be a sign telling you about The WB's hot new show Greetings From Tucson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll continue to encounter long silences after uttering your trademark catchphrase, "Who fucked a chicken in here?"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unusually reticent Satan will take you to a somewhat high place and, in exchange for your allegiance, offer to make you treasurer of all you survey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You like to think you can be relied on to do the right thing in a crisis. Well, enjoy your last few days of believing that, pants-wetting panic bunny.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, there are only "kill or cure" solutions to your problem, but, hey, anything's better than hiccups.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will once again have to deal with obvious fabrications, emotionally manipulative arguments, and outright insanity, but it means so much to your mom when you take her to church.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be surprised how little you miss the parts that don't grow back.

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