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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of October 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sign from the heavens will guide your every waking moment for the foreseeable future. It will be a sign telling you about The WB's hot new show Greetings From Tucson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll continue to encounter long silences after uttering your trademark catchphrase, "Who fucked a chicken in here?"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unusually reticent Satan will take you to a somewhat high place and, in exchange for your allegiance, offer to make you treasurer of all you survey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You like to think you can be relied on to do the right thing in a crisis. Well, enjoy your last few days of believing that, pants-wetting panic bunny.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, there are only "kill or cure" solutions to your problem, but, hey, anything's better than hiccups.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will once again have to deal with obvious fabrications, emotionally manipulative arguments, and outright insanity, but it means so much to your mom when you take her to church.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be surprised how little you miss the parts that don't grow back.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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