Horoscope for the week of October 16, 2002

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Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Horoscope for the week of October 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A sign from the heavens will guide your every waking moment for the foreseeable future. It will be a sign telling you about The WB's hot new show Greetings From Tucson.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll continue to encounter long silences after uttering your trademark catchphrase, "Who fucked a chicken in here?"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unusually reticent Satan will take you to a somewhat high place and, in exchange for your allegiance, offer to make you treasurer of all you survey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You like to think you can be relied on to do the right thing in a crisis. Well, enjoy your last few days of believing that, pants-wetting panic bunny.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, there are only "kill or cure" solutions to your problem, but, hey, anything's better than hiccups.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will once again have to deal with obvious fabrications, emotionally manipulative arguments, and outright insanity, but it means so much to your mom when you take her to church.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be surprised how little you miss the parts that don't grow back.