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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.

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