Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 37

Manager Hates To See You Go

DURHAM, NC—Twist 'N' Shout manager Dale Fontana expressed deep regret Monday over your decision to leave the mall pretzelry. "Well, you've been a good employee, no doubt about that," said Fontana, folding up your returned uniform. "It'll be tough to replace you at the register." Fontana added that, should your new career not work out, you would always be welcome back in the growing field of pretzel preparation and retail.

Amsterdam Tourist Can't Find 'Kind Bud' In Phrasebook

AMSTERDAM—While on vacation in Amsterdam Monday, Atlanta resident Brad Haines, 22, struggled to find the Dutch translation for "kind bud" in his Berlitz pocket guide. "Man, I read the entire 'food and restaurant' chapter twice," he said. "It's not in there anywhere." Haines noted that he did at least learn that Amsterdam waiters will not bring the check to the table until specifically asked.

Monkfish Wishes Monkfish Weren't All The Rage

BOOTHBAY HARBOR, ME—A local monkfish bemoaned the culinary trendiness of his species Monday. "It's nice to be the fish of the moment," said the monkfish, avoiding one of the many fishing lines littering his Gulf of Maine seabed ever since the October issue of Gourmet proclaimed him "the new dorade." "And, yes, my flesh is firm, sweet, low in fat, and similar to lobster. But it hardly compares to the pleasures of, say, a nice sautéed tilapia with lime." He further urged people who feel they must consume members of the Family Squatinidae to try angel sharks, which he described as "assholes."

NBC To Add Dateline: Flursday

NEW YORK—Seeking to capitalize on the success of its nightly newsmagazine, NBC announced Monday the addition of Dateline: Flursday to its schedule. "Now, you can turn to Dateline for incisive, in-depth reporting eight nights a week," NBC News president Neal Shapiro said. "Look to NBC as the news leader—Flursdays and beyond." If the new program is successful, the network plans to add Tuednesday and Fritaturday editions.

Woman With Sore Throat Thinks It Might Be Anthrax

NEW YORK—Alicia Dubrow, 23, an assistant copy editor at Shape magazine, expressed fear Monday that her recent sore throat is the result of anthrax. "I haven't had a sore throat in, like, two years, and suddenly I get one," said Dubrow, searching WebMD for information on symptoms of the disease. "I've also sort of had a backache lately, which is weird." Dubrow, who made a mental note to watch closely for reddish-brown sores, said she dropped by the Shape mailroom last Friday to grab a box of rubber bands but does not recall handling any packages.

Dad Immediately Hands Phone To Mom

SAGINAW, MI—Emotionally distant father Bill Wolk, 55, immediately handed the phone to his wife Monday upon identifying the caller as his daughter. "Oh, hello, Jessica, I'll get your mom," said Wolk, passing Jessica off before she even asked for anyone. In the past five years, Wolk's most touching display of fatherly affection was a 1996 remark that Jessica "marched nice and straight" with her high-school band in the Rose Bowl parade.

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.
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