Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.