Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.
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