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Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of October 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.

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