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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.

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