Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.


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