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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.

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