Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 37

Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show

LAS VEGAS– Donald Nance, a vacationing Massillon, OH, accountant and history buff, detected a historical inaccuracy Monday in a Wild West-themed topless revue at Las Vegas' Mustang Club. "If you look at the pistols Miss Kitty was brandishing, they were clearly of a make not produced by the Colt factories until well after the turn of the century," Nance said. "And the kind of white patent-leather boots worn by the strippers were not produced at any time during the Westward Expansion phase." Nance also noted that pasties of the Wild West era did not feature tassels.

Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

HYDERABAD, INDIA– Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room. "Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva." Gopalakrishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."

First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:

The Beatles Anthology

The 368-page Beatles Anthology, touted as the most authoritative account of the Fab Four, hit the bookstores last week. What are some of its more notable revelations?

I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run my business. Indeed, hardly a week goes by in which this strident minority of harpies are not complaining about my use of lead-based inks, the occasional tooth which has been pressed into the financial section, or The Onion's continued silence on the prison-reform issue.

I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch

Hola, amigos. What's the situation? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems. First off, I had a major toothache that kept me awake for three nights in a row. The only good thing about it was that by the third night, I was seeing all kinds of fucked-up stuff. I mean, you remember that scene from The Wall where those hammers are marching? That's the kind of stuff I saw. No joke.

Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

AKRON, OH–They say the family that sits silently together stays silently together. And no one proves that old adage better than the Bladners. Whether enduring an uncomfortable outing at a local restaurant, attending an unpleasant community event, or simply staring blankly at the television, this tight-knit clan always makes an effort to spend plenty of awkward, silent quality time together.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.
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