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Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.
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