Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Food

Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.