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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.

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