Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

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Vol 30 Issue 08

Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. "We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X," said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. "Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups."

Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in 11 states. "Henrietta! Myrtle! Lucy!" the muppet shouted as Department of Animal Welfare officials dragged him from his home, where he was found naked Monday with more than two dozen female chickens.

West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes. The violence, which left 15 Palestinian civilians and at least a dozen Israeli soldiers dead, was the most significant fighting to erupt in the volatile region since 2:15 p.m. that same day, when an Israeli tank ran over 85 rock-throwing Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. "Just before lunch, I believed things were moving forward," said disappointed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from a Jerusalem-area falafel shop. "But now that this delicious falafel and hummus sandwich is done, I just do not know." Netanyahu vowed to work with PLO leader Yasser Arafat to secure a true, lasting peace that will endure well into weekend.

Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff Reiner, invoking the noted savior's name to emphasize the tremendous size of the insect. "That thing is fucking huge—did you see the size of that thing?" Added Reiner: "Damn, that's a fucking big cockroach."

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's Sunrise Multiplex just a short while ago, is enjoying the movie so far. "I'm really enjoying this movie so far," said Pressler, a dental hygienist whose favorite film is The Bodyguard. "I just can't wait to see what Goldie, Bette and Diane do to get even with those no-good, jerk ex-husbands of theirs." Moments later, Pressler erupted in laughter at a Bette Midler wisecrack relating to the IQ of her ex-husband's current, younger girlfriend. Said Pressler: "She's crazy!"
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Luxury

Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.
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