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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.

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