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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.

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