Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

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Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.


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