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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.

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