Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

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City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 2, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.