Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.


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