Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 42

Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar

SPOKANE, WA—Members of the Washington State University-Spokane student body announced Monday that everyone is afraid to visit K-Dee's Tap, that one bar without any windows next to the hardware store on Fordam Avenue. "[K-Dee's] is some kind of biker drug bar or something," sophomore Peter Mendis said. "The drinks are super cheap and they stay open like an hour after bar time, but don't go in there. My friend J.J.'s roommate's brother almost got stabbed there." K-Dee's leather-jacketed bartender, a 67-year-old with a leg brace, said he had no recollection of the near-stabbing, but did caution that, in general, the regular patrons do not welcome "college boys."

Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

LOS ANGELES—Waitress and aspiring singer Olivia Martin, 21, had her hopes of stardom dashed by a panel of washed-up celebrities Monday. "All I've wanted to do my whole life is bring people joy with my singing, but Martika said I should stick to serving pancakes," said Martin, whose performing also received poor reviews from former MTV VJ Alan Hunter and Saved By The Bell's Mario Lopez. "This was my big break, but I blew it." Martika, who sang the 1988 hit "Toy Soldiers," said Martin lacked stage presence and didn't have "that special something it takes to be a star."

Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy

LHASA, TIBET—Deng Hsu, 14, said Monday that he is "totally getting into Western philosophy." "I've been reading a lot of Kant, Descartes, and Hegel, and it's blowing my mind," Hsu said. "It's so exotic and exciting, not like all that Buddhist 'being is desire and desire is suffering' shit my parents have been cramming down my throat all my life. Most of the kids in my school have never even heard of Hume's views on objectivity or Locke's tabula rasa." Hsu said he hopes to one day make an exodus to north London to visit the birthplace of John Stuart Mill.

Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty

NEW YORK—In response to the record number of American poor, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow called millions of American lips to service Monday. "Poverty is a menace to society," Snow said. "As the ranks of the nation's poor grow and more social programs are scaled back, it is crucial that all able Americans talk about how something must be done." Snow then entreated all able-voiced men and women between the ages of 18 and 24 to volunteer to periodically mention that the current poverty rate of 12.5 percent is too high.

Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters

WASHINGTON, DC—A CNN/Gallup poll released Monday shows that 8 percent of those who voted for presidential candidate Ralph Nader in the 2000 election will vote for him again in 2004. "Americans feel it's time for an end to corporate-controlled government, or at least 1/12th of those who voted for me in 2000 do," Nader said, addressing a handful of supporters scattered throughout a lecture hall at Georgetown University. "Don't be satisfied with politics as usual. That is my message to those who voted for me four years ago. Get back with the team." Nader said that 230,000 votes, while nowhere near enough to win, might be sufficient to muck up another election.

A Day Off? Sheeit

'Sup, G's. Check it out: Debbilyn Sundquist, tha Midstate human-resources secretary, e-mailed me.

Battleground States

A handful of battleground states will be key in deciding the 2004 presidential election. What are some of the states most concerned about?

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

Last week, a Fox News Channel producer sued Bill O'Reilly for sexual harassment, alleging that the cable host pressured her into phone sex. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.
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