Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

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ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.
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