adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close