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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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