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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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