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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.

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