Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.