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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.

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