Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.
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