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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.

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