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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.

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