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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.

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