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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty. Enough with the barking already!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    I'll kick you outta this damn house with the dog! How would you like that, you miserable little snot-nosed punk?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't tell me that I scared the goddamn dog. I'm not going to let some goddamn dog tell me how to run my life!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    C'mere, you goddamn dog! Come here right now, you frickin' dog! You damn dog
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This house ain't big enough for me and that damn lousy dog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    That damn dog! Oooh, that damn dog! Oooh!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    I'll kill that dog, it's got me so upset. I don't think I've ever been so damn mad as I am right now at that stupid dog.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Knock over my ficus plant, will you, dog? Get that damn dog outta my house!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    I'm asking you, who wanted the damn dog in the first place? It wasn't me! I hate you and that stinking dog!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    @#!! That dog! Oooh! @#*!!!

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