adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Eating

Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty. Enough with the barking already!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    I'll kick you outta this damn house with the dog! How would you like that, you miserable little snot-nosed punk?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't tell me that I scared the goddamn dog. I'm not going to let some goddamn dog tell me how to run my life!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    C'mere, you goddamn dog! Come here right now, you frickin' dog! You damn dog
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This house ain't big enough for me and that damn lousy dog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    That damn dog! Oooh, that damn dog! Oooh!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    I'll kill that dog, it's got me so upset. I don't think I've ever been so damn mad as I am right now at that stupid dog.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Knock over my ficus plant, will you, dog? Get that damn dog outta my house!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    I'm asking you, who wanted the damn dog in the first place? It wasn't me! I hate you and that stinking dog!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    @#!! That dog! Oooh! @#*!!!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close