Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Comedy

Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty. Enough with the barking already!
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    I'll kick you outta this damn house with the dog! How would you like that, you miserable little snot-nosed punk?
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't tell me that I scared the goddamn dog. I'm not going to let some goddamn dog tell me how to run my life!
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    C'mere, you goddamn dog! Come here right now, you frickin' dog! You damn dog
  • Libra

    Libra

    This house ain't big enough for me and that damn lousy dog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    That damn dog! Oooh, that damn dog! Oooh!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    I'll kill that dog, it's got me so upset. I don't think I've ever been so damn mad as I am right now at that stupid dog.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Knock over my ficus plant, will you, dog? Get that damn dog outta my house!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    I'm asking you, who wanted the damn dog in the first place? It wasn't me! I hate you and that stinking dog!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    @#!! That dog! Oooh! @#*!!!
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More