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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Horoscope for the week of October 22, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.

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