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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.

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