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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.

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