Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

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Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.