Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 39

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Ask A Third Party Candidate

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo

    Leo

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra

    Libra

    Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.
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