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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.

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