Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.