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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.

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