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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Surprises

Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.

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