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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.

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