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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.

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