Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION