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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of October 25, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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