Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.
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