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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of October 25, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.

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