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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of October 25, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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