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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.

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