Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.
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