Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 39

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Dan Fogelberg Fails To Soothe Area Lite 108 Listener

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Detroit radio station Lite 108's claim of being "the station you relax at work with" proved false Monday, when M&I Marketing employee and Lite 108 listener Dean Claussen failed to be soothed by Dan Fogelberg's "Run For The Roses." "Where the hell is the media audit for the 26-40 demographic?" an angry Claussen shouted at co-worker Ira Geist despite the gentle, restful waves of Fogelbergian sound emanating from a radio less than five feet away. "How on Earth do you expect me to draw up a fucking proposal for the Mita Copier account without those numbers?" Linda Bahnsen, a representative for Lite 108, apologized for the station's failure to relax Claussen and urged him to continue turning on the Lite in the future.

Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

I've got a sweet-heart! I've got a sweet-heart! Her name is Miss Bernadette Fiske, and not only does she claim that I am her best beau, but that I am her tootsy-wootsy, as well! Huzzah! I may be 132 years old, but I feel more like 85! Oh, I am as giddy as a dish of jelly!

A Good-News Prescription

If you're anything like me (and who on Earth wouldn't want to be? Har-dee-har-har!), what you could use right about now is some good news. After all, it seems like all you ever hear about these days are murders and wars and hurricanes and plane crashes and drugs and child abuse and crooked politicians. It's getting so bad, sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Isn't there any good news anywhere?"

The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?

Area Man Finds Soda-Winning Game Piece He Forgot About

ERIE, PA—While removing an insurance card from an infrequently used section of his wallet Monday, local resident Don Turnbee came across a soda-winning Inspector Gadget-themed McDonald's game piece he had long forgotten about.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Healthy Eating

Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
  • Libra

    Libra

    After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.
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