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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.

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